BXBX NOVEL Chapter 231 - A Bad Father
«I wasn't there to help you. I am a bad father and, consequently, a bad person,» Nate pointed out.
«No,» Lara said, shaking her head against his chest. «You are not, Nate. How could you be there, after all?»
«If you can't make it a fault for me, then why are you pledging yourself guilty?»
She blinked, surprised. Why? Because it was her role. She had to think about her cubs and make sure they had everything they needed without getting distracted by something as mundane as music, movies, or even fashion.
«It is my fault if you weren't there, now that I think about it,» she chuckled. Things would have been so different if only she had stayed in that warm bed.
Her mother wouldn't have been displeased if she knew who the man she slept with was. She wouldn't have needed to bring the twins up alone. And, maybe, she would have been married and with a family, just like in her dreams.
«No, Lara. It's just how things happened. It's nobody's fault... We were both driven by something more powerful than us, and we both didn't know how it would turn out to be. You were scared by it while I was convinced it was enough to keep you by my side.»
His smile made her believe his words. He was calm, reassuring. And he was saying things that made a lot of sense.
Could she allow herself to believe?
«Lara... I don't know how to tell you anymore. You don't need to follow a model, and whatever you do will be enough. Don't force yourself to strive for more.»
He inhaled her aroma, entangled with the fresh scent of her shampoo.
«And don't feel like you need to fulfil some clauses to be a worthy twins' mother. You're fine the way you are.» Even if she did spoil those beasts, making them attached to her more than Nate approved. But still... «You're not here to please me either.»
«I wasn't trying to please you,» she pointed out.
«I know. But I also know you well enough to foresee you will come to that point as well. I don't want you to wonder whether you're doing a good job or not.»
«I am so afraid, Nate. What if they resent me when they grow up? What if they stop loving me? Now it's easy: they're little. But if they start realising it's my fault that they are weaker and smaller than the other children? And that they didn't learn how to control their instinct in time?»
«They can't hate you, Lara. You are their mother.»
Her eyes filled with tears, and she bit her lower lip to stop a sob.
«But...» she stuttered. «I a-am also a daughter, and I h-hate my mother.»
«Do you?» Nate asked, raising his brow. «Do you want me to ruin your parents' company so that you can laugh in their faces?»
«No, Nate,» she chuckled, «why would I ask you that?»
«Then you're not hating them. Because I know what it means when you do, Lara.»
He did hate those people. And he was ready to bring them down any moment. Yet, he wouldn't risk hurting Lara in any way, and there was a fair chance she would feel guilty if he decided to proceed. He loved her more than he hated them, even if they hurt his mate and tried getting rid of his pups.
«Listen, Lara... I don't know why you don't understand, but you are not like your mother. And the twins are not like you. There's something greatly different between that woman and you, isn't there?»
She sobbed, covering her mouth to keep the sound silent. Yet, Nate forced her arm away. What use was there to hide?
«She was the one cutting your link. She was the one sending you away. Even if you hated her - and you don't - you would be right to do so. Your mother didn't allow you any mistake, but she sent you away to save her reputation. If there's something I'm sure you won't do, it is cutting any link to your kids.»
«Oh, jeez. I ruined the moment,» she said. «And it all happened because of the movie.»
«My fault. The idea was mine,» he pointed out.
Still, they were hugging on the sofa, talking about their problems and maybe solving them a little. Even if he was dying inside because she was crying, it was good that she had told him her thoughts out loud.
In the end, it all was because of the traumatic event of being thrown out of home. By a loving parent, at that. As far as he could listen, Lara had had a good childhood, and her parents had acted lovingly with her. She knew how to be warm with her own kids as well, which meant she did have familiar love before meeting him.
It was after, when that love disappeared all of a sudden, that she had started to fear it. He knew that the peace they were having in their slow relationship was just temporary. Lara's fears would have resurfaced at some point.
She couldn't believe he would stay forever because she had the proof that love could disappear. And he didn't know how to explain that his whole being couldn't survive without her. Maybe, it wasn't even love but just a necessity for him. She could trust him because he didn't have any choice but to be with her.
But how to explain it to a woman who thought she had been rejected because she was not good enough?
She couldn't believe his words, not that she didn't want to. Her early rejections made more sense in light of that new discovery... And her tries at letting loose were even more valuable in his eyes. She was attempting something impossible just for him, and there was very little he could do to help her.
«Oh, Lara,» he sighed, hugging her more tightly. «I don't know what to say now.»
«You don't need to say anything,» she replied, losing herself in his embrace. She closed her eyes and tried dissolving the loom in her throat - without success.
Still, talking had helped her. Every time she told her worries to Nate, those became less pressing a bit.. Maybe, she considered, she would be able to stand by his side as he deserved - one day.