BXBX NOVEL Chapter 94 - Failures And Successes
Sometimes I wished that I wasn\'t who I was.
That line of thinking was usually reserved for those times where I would wallow in sorrow, feeling bitter about the way things were and utterly despising myself for it.
Because I knew painfully well that if it were somebody else in my shoes, somebody just a little bit stronger, smarter... somebody just a bit more capable than I, then things would have gone so much better than it had.
Exams, interviews, etc - every failure, regret, expectations never met, I can always expect myself to be thinking those things for at least a good solid hour and a half.
But now, here, stuck again with this failure, this regret - having the tears and blood continue to stain my shirt to a deeper, darker red, I\'m not sure if anybody could have fared better than I did… not with the circumstances at hand.
"Elf-Knight," I heard a snarl, a rumbling hatred surfacing from the depths of my throat. "Why not death, Eshwlyn? Why not die upholding the pride of your kind?"
The wiper blades were squeaking terribly. Left to right it went raking across a sporadic web of shattered glass. Disharmonious, disconcerting, with the continued hammering of blight amplifying the discomfort.
"You truly are as despicable as they say. So much death? Was it all really necessary? You Elves are all the same, aren\'t you?"
Staring… forced back again to a vision muddled by tears and fatigue. Ash\'s face was a watery visage that stared back. I could see her but it was from a perspective that was far less than sight.
"I\'m your Master, now. You hear that, you Elf? You don\'t have a name, you\'re not Eshwlyn… you don\'t deserve to even be called anything. You serve me, alright? YOU SERVE ME!"
Her face was but a smudged outline that shifted about, her eyes merely shimmering rims of green light that blinked back at me. I felt this before… saw a sight like this before, like a vague memory and yet so vivid and clear.
"You\'re a Knight now, Elf. No longer just a servant, because you couldn\'t just be content with that, could you? Now you\'re forever bound to me, just the way you like it. No will, no wants - you don\'t get to want. You do as I say. You speak only when spoken to. You kill without a sliver of hesitation. And you\'ll die when I demand it."
My closest brush with death, in that building, in that room… it was the same sensation.
I died back then.
Will I die now?
"Eshwlyn…" Her name from my lips, a plead, leaking bitter tears down my cheeks. "Don\'t let them take me..."
Ash turned away from me.
"Sister… please…"
Closed her eyes.
"Why didn\'t you save me?"
And took in a breath.
"Why?"
Something slumped over. It took a while to register that it was me that slumped over. Understanding, cognizant… they all felt so hard to do. Everything, every feeling - even breathing was a struggle to comprehend.
Voice… there was no voice, not anymore - my lips remained wide open yet out came only faint gurgles and grunts. Screaming was… I don\'t think I was even able to anymore.
It was both a relief and a discomfort to realize that.
The only thing I was capable of was thought… and my thoughts, all they did then was echo the words I never said. Incomprehensible rambles that equated to nothing.
I wanted them to be nothing.
But they weren\'t.
Few seconds, more than a few seconds maybe, I only realized that we were moving again. That faint rumble… the engine\'s hum, still persevering in spite of everything.
Yes, in spite of everything - the failures, regrets, those words never said - Ash still persevered. That someone stronger, smarter, bit more capable than I… turns out I didn\'t have to wish for that anymore.
She was right here.
The downpour, the flashes, and crackles from up high… they seem so far away now. They probably were, I just didn\'t notice it. Same for the rattles on the cracked windshield… had they always been this light and scattered?
Had the pain within me really lessened or did I just get used to the feeling of constant agony? My tears. Had they actually ceased… or was I merely too benumbed to feel it trickle?
Suddenly, closing my lips became as easy as simply thinking of doing it.
The road that fronted us was doused no longer in an endless deluge of gooey red. Far from the chaos, far from the disarray, there was no more shrill screams or the screeching of wheels, the anarchy of the city landscape was far behind us now.
And so was the blightfall.
But the pain still lingered.
Not as much, not as agonizing, but still it was there. Like an open blister on a fresh wound, the pain kept throbbing within, keeping in perfect rhythm to the feeble beats of my heart.
The Blightfall lingers upon anything it touches
Mr. Mob Man is not going to be happy with what we\'ve done to his ride. Every square-inch was most likely coated in Blight. I don\'t suppose a quick trip \'round the car wash would do the trick, would it?
In any case… the clouds here weren\'t in swirls of grey, the wind rustled the trees only lightly, and the clear skies here brought up with it a little glimmer of something bright- a faint light at the end of a very long tunnel.
The worst has finally come to pass.
Finally, I could breathe at ease, and not think of every breath as always being my last.
Thank you, Ash. Thank you so much.
I didn\'t say it out loud though, I couldn\'t say it. The state I was in, I don\'t think even she would appreciate it if I forced myself to try. In the rearview mirror, even through my ailing sight, with the crusted dried blood and dampen cheeks, it was clear to see that I was on the brink of collapsing at any moment.
So yeah… don\'t speak.
Don\'t think I even have to bother. From the quick side-glances Ash was giving me, I think she could see for herself just how much I appreciated her at the very moment - I mean, after all, even I could still muster a smile with what little that was left of me.
"We did it, Master," Ash whispered, returning mine with a faint one of her own. "You did it."
No words. Just a nod. And all was understood.
Ash focused her eyes back onto the road, home was still very much a great distance away.
As for I… well… I had my thoughts.
I woke up today hoping for a springy happy day for just two, brimming with enough laughter and fun to forget all worries. Certainly, we had that, and what fun it was indeed.
But our little brief period of fun wouldn\'t be the main thing we will be taking away from today. Looking back in retrospect, any and all fun we had was overshadowed by the events that shortly came after.
Our first date… and this was our takeaway.
In hindsight, the signs of something insidious brewing were already apparent from the start weren\'t they?
Amelia\'s appearance was the first red flag. Her talks of this mysterious fellow and their domineering presence was a big glaring second. The dullness in the skies, a day absent of the sun… thunder and lightning…
So many signs but I was just stubborn to stop and see it. I just wanted the two of us to have a day where we both could share in a happy memory.
Apparently, that was just too much to ask.
Funnily enough, I started today worrying about rainfall because of Amelia, and how it would impede us from enjoying our date to the fullest. Now here we were, the rain fell indeed - and boy did it impede us alright…
I\'ll never leave the house when it\'s storming again.
Thanks Amelia.