BXBX NOVEL Chapter 431 - The Answer
"I… hope you can appreciate the fact that you didn't really give me an easy choice to make," I said, hearing every syllable I spoke like a deafening explosion, it was like every sound was magnified to eleven, crickets, leaves, words, all of it. "Then again, nothing about you has been easy, hasn't it? Summoning you here, getting your help, and now setting you free, it's… it's really been a hard time with you, y'know?"
She wasn't listening. For sure, she wasn't paying any attention… and, but of course, why should she in the first place? It was a simple yes-no equation, what I had to say had no weight anyway, no significance whatsoever. There was no doubt she was thinking that.
It's why she can look at me the way that she does, put on that snobbish air with no fear of repercussions because nothing else matters once the decision has been made.
"But fair enough, I guess. I summoned you here, I knew what that meant, whatever you do, your every action, in the end, it all falls back to me. Like it or not, you're my responsibility. So what you do next, what I choose next… again, my responsibility. Not yours, not anyone else's."
Maybe I just wanted a moment to vent, maybe that's why I kept rambling on and on boring the dead to death. Perhaps I thought she somehow could sympathize with my plight here, I don't know why I even thought that. Clearly, she couldn't, wouldn't. After all, I was the baddie here dangling the keys to her cage, wasn't I? I can sympathize…
"Truth is, Sera… I don't think you're a monster. I've said it before, but I feel like I need to say it again because lately, I feel we've been reaching to some kind of understanding with each other. But that doesn't change who you are, does it? The things that you can do, or the things that you did do. Yeah, sure, it might just be in a video game… you could say it never actually happened, but you can't deny it's why you are the way that you are. You can be merciless when you want to, you can be cold, cruel… and you can be evil, more than most, it's just how you're made to be."
Sera was showing nothing, there was just her stare, the shimmer of her eyes in the moonlight. But I heard it, as much as she tried to hide it, that disheartened sigh resounded just as loud as my own words did in the quiet.
"I'm scared of you, Sera," I said as straightforwardly as I could. "Honestly, I really am… and I'm sure you're used to people feeling that way about you, it ain't anything new… it's what you want them to feel, right? So, you understand now why I couldn't give you an answer right away? Fear's a choker, and I have been under its hold, being strangled for days."
I knew where this was going, she knew where this was going. I saw her cloak shift, her hands within visible falling at her side. She was bracing herself, and not as subtly as her, blinking once, I was too.
The wrongest right, and the rightest wrong. Let's see which was which.
"Many times, so many times, I've played this scene of us tonight in my head, I'm rambling and I'm rambling, God knows what point I was trying to make, and you'll be standing there always just waiting for me to get it over with already. Each and every conversation would be different, I'm making different points, I'm saying different things, over and over again, just trying to find the right words, the right reasoning that'll lead me to an instance… where I ended up saying yes to your request."
The wind picked up, howling, billowing. She blew with it, her cloak fluttering, her veil rippling, and her locks slightly swaying. It was her gaze that remained undisturbed, stagnant. It's exactly as how I imagined it every time I reached this moment, this instance…
"Please believe me when I say I tried. I tried, and I tried," I couldn't stress it enough. "But I couldn't find it. There are no words, there are no instances, Sera. In the end, I'd always say no. Even now… even here… I'm… I can't find it. I'm sorry."
Immediately, as soon as I stopped speaking, I felt every muscle in my body stiffen. I never knew what would happen next, in my head, I never reached this point, but I expected something, anything, but if I was reacting the way I was, with fear, with apprehension… clearly I already knew what to expect, didn't I?
And yet nothing happened. I waited a bit longer, still nothing. The wind continued to howl until it died, then there was just silence… only silence. Sera continued to just stand there.
I knew her enough to know that an answer like this should upset her, by all accounts, she should be angry, rightfully… I thought I knew her, I should know her… but I guess, I didn't.
No, she just… turned, she just… walked away.
Why?
Why was she walking away? Why wasn't she arguing? Why wasn't she fighting it? She should be upset, she should be refusing this. I know you couldn't just accept this, so why are you? Without a word, without hesitation? You're really gonna let me say this?
Please… say something.
"I - I have spent so long thinking, y'know?" My lips began to move on their own. "If I let you free, then… what do I - ? You can promise me you won't do anything, but promises can be broken. You can tell me nothing will happen, but people lie. Everybody does. You of all people should know. You understand that more than most, right? You have to understand. You do, don't you?"
It was like I was speaking to the air, to nothing, to nobody, with all the acknowledgment I received.
"If you're free, there are no safeguards. What are you even going to do with that freedom? Why do you even need it? Why do you even want it? Why? Just make it make sense to me, just tell me something, just… just… "
What was I even doing? Why am I even saying all this? I told her 'no', and she's walking away, she's accepting it. This was the best outcome I could have hoped for, wasn't it? So why…?
"Before, when you were helping me with Ria, you said you were doing it so that I could trust you," I said slowly. "The thing was, you never once bothered to ask me if I already did, y'know? And I'll tell you this, if you had asked me then, I would have told you that I did. Naively, carelessly, I would have said that I trusted you. But now? If you asked me now, if I have to answer now…"
That's when she turned around again, so quickly, so abruptly, that whirling blur of gleaming gold staring back at me again once more. For a moment, I thought she was taking over, I thought she was going to speak. But no pain ever came, no sudden urge parting my lips open.
And yet, in her eyes, I heard, I saw, I felt… the question I thought I knew the answer to, "Do you trust me?"
Once more, I searched every instance, forage for every reason. I felt my lips narrow, my eyes drift, and my head slowly shaking, silently answering her question.
Nothing still. She didn't say anything still. In my downcasted gaze, I saw her turn away again, begin to walk away again. Why wasn't she fighting this? Please…
"Just help me find those words for me," I pleaded, not knowing why I was even pleading to begin with. "Just help me find those words, that moment… just that one instance where I never have to tell you no. If you do, then maybe I - !"
But she was gone. The rustles of bushes, the stray leaves fluttering to the dirt. Gone. And that's when the guilt washed over.
I felt like an idiot, a hypocrite. What was I doing? How could I want to save a person, but not want to free another in return? Why couldn't I just do it? Why couldn't have I just say yes?
But I knew why! Everyone already told you why! She walked away, she didn't argue, because she knows exactly why I couldn't too! It's nothing personal, it wasn't. Please… understand that it wasn't.
"You're not a monster, Sera!" I shouted, letting the winds carry my words hoping that it'll find its way to her. "Despite everything - I never believed you were! You're a person! That's what I always thought of you as! Living! Breathing! Flawed! I just want you to understand, I just want you to know! You're not evil, you're not - !"
Suddenly a pang. Stabbing. My chest, like a knife, plunging. I felt my eyes bulge, my mouth widen - and I spoke again, except it wasn't me that was speaking.
"Not evil. Not a monster. Living. Breathing. Flawed. I understand." I said to myself. "So why am I not free?"
Then as quick as the pain came, it dissipated, the next second - gone, and my body was own again, gasping for air, collapsing to the dirt. Left there in the dark, in my thoughts, with the question.
Once more… without an answer.