BXBX NOVEL Chapter 304: If
Chapter 304: If
Yang Chen was taken aback, frowning. "Cai Yan, what do you mean by that? Why are you suddenly saying this?"
"What do I mean?" Cai Yan sneered coldly. "Do you treat dinner with other women the same way? Eating in three minutes, not saying a word, then chewing on a toothpick while letting the woman eat slowly alone?"
Yang Chen vaguely understood why Cai Yan was upset and awkwardly smiled. "I'm sorry, I thought you were a policewoman, so I was being efficient. Plus, I didn't know what to talk about with you. Eating in three minutes is just my own pace. I didn't expect it would make you unhappy."
Cai Yan's expression darkened. "In your eyes, am I nothing more than a policewoman? Am I not a woman?"
Yang Chen fell silent. Cai Yan's question made him feel strange because he hadn't really treated Cai Yan like any other woman around him, someone to be admired.
Although Cai Yan had exceptional looks and figure, she reminded him of past unpleasant memories, and her style of speaking and acting made it difficult for him to equate her with a beautiful woman.
"I... I really haven't thought about this," Yang Chen admitted truthfully.
Cai Yan sighed softly. "Before I came out today, I dressed up specifically. I chose this restaurant carefully. Do you know why?"
Yang Chen wasn't foolish. Considering how she had previously gifted him a Rolex watch, diligently cared for Zhenxiu, and her various verbal and behavioral cues during their previous meetings, combined with today's special effort in dressing up and inviting him to dinner, it was evident that Cai Yan had developed a certain intention towards him.
Yang Chen felt a headache coming on. In the past, if such a beautiful policewoman had approached him, he would have welcomed it with open arms, happy beyond measure. But now, faced with this beautiful woman who seemed willing to get close to him, Yang Chen was somewhat afraid.
With several women around him, he always felt a sense of guilt towards them. If he were to become entangled with this beautiful policewoman, or if more such situations arose in the future, Yang Chen feared he might lose his mind, burdened by overwhelming guilt towards every woman.
Seeing Yang Chen remain silent, Cai Yan bit her lip. "You can see what I'm doing. You must know what I'm thinking. Don't try to avoid it."
"Cai Yan, I really just came to return your bag today," Yang Chen replied, unsure of how to reject Cai Yan's advances, so he could only indirectly refuse her feelings.
At first, disappointment flashed across Cai Yan's delicate face, quickly transforming into a resentment that she couldn't contain. She felt the injustice and unwillingness in her heart and let it all out.
Cai Yan stared directly at Yang Chen, tears welling up in her eyes as she sarcastically laughed, "Yang Chen, do you know? It seems like for the first time in my life, I've encountered a man I can't resist. Facing such a man, my family background, status, career, and even the looks that other women envy, none of it helps me. A man who can't even commit to giving me a complete love, other women would surely laugh at how foolish I am. Returning the bag? Hmph, let me tell you how much this bag is worth, I haven't even bothered to pay attention to such things! If you had even a tiny, even a minuscule consideration for my feelings, before sitting across from me, before saying those words just now, at least you should have examined yourself. Is it necessary to speak so cruelly, so cruel that it leaves a woman who only wanted to talk with you, who lacks confidence, completely devastated! I'm not the kind of person who would call you to a place like this just to get back a two thousand yuan bag. Without seeing you, I really can't go on living, can I?! Do I not have a better bag?! Do I not have time to get it myself?! Are circumstances not permitting?! Or do I not even have the money to buy a bag? Answer me?!"
Cai Yan's voice grew louder towards the end, but because the restaurant was located next to a busy street, the ambient noise outside meant the other patrons inside didn't pay much attention.
Yang Chen sat stiffly in his seat, feeling as though each of Cai Yan's words were like nails piercing his heart. Though he didn't have the same feelings for Cai Yan as he did for other women, Yang Chen knew that regardless of whether he liked her or not, this woman who dared to love and hate had already left an indelible impression on him.
Seeing Yang Chen still not responding, Cai Yan's eyes showed a hint of disdain as she laughed, "Do you think I would spend a whole day, a week, a month for a man who doesn't consider even a two thousand yuan bag as important as me?!"
Yang Chen knew he couldn't avoid this any longer. Cai Yan's honesty made him feel somewhat despicable, but honestly admitting to himself, his feelings towards Cai Yan were limited to friendship at best, and not even that could be stretched to love, let alone like her. Moreover, she was Lin Ruoxi's close friend, and even if he were to divorce Lin Ruoxi, there was no reason to suddenly become involved with one of her friends.
Gathering his thoughts, Yang Chen said solemnly, "Cai Yan, I'm taken aback by your feelings for me. But you should know, I am already married. Even if Ruoxi and I have a contractual marriage, it's not possible between us."
"You're just in a fake marriage, a contractual marriage, aren't you?" Cai Yan said bluntly.
Yang Chen felt a sudden numbness in his scalp followed by his heart racing uncontrollably. He never expected that Cai Yan would already know about his situation with Lin Ruoxi.
"Surprised, aren't you? Because of your nights away and conflicts with Ruoxi, she told me these things. Even if she hadn't said anything, I never believed that you and Ruoxi got married out of genuine love. Ruoxi isn't the type to suddenly rush into marriage; she's cooler-headed than anyone and wouldn't marry just anyone," Cai Yan said. "Now, do you still want to use Ruoxi as an excuse to reject me?"
Yang Chen sighed bitterly, "I really didn't expect you to already know about this. But Cai Yan, even if Ruoxi and I have a contractual marriage, I still can't accept you. It wouldn't be fair to you or to her. If I hadn't married Ruoxi back then, if our first meeting hadn't been at the police station, perhaps there could have been a different outcome. But now, I just can't accept your feelings. I don't want to deceive you, nor myself."
Cai Yan fought back tears, refusing to let them fall. She turned her head away, smiling bitterly, "What if? 'If' is the word I hate the most in the world. It's all happened already, so what's the use of saying it? But ever since meeting you, especially that day when you saved my life in the building, I've often thought about that word. If I had the chance to meet you first, if you hadn't married Ruoxi, if I hadn't foolishly mistaken you for a bad person..."
"If I had a chance to start over, I would never waste a moment to be with you. That's how I feel. But if your marriage with her is just a transaction, just a piece of paper, then isn't it still not too late for me now? If there's a chance, can you give it to me?"
Listening to Cai Yan's dream-like words, Yang Chen suddenly realized how much he had overlooked in this woman. Yet, what good would it do now? Love was something that couldn't be forced. It either came naturally or not at all.
Yang Chen apologized with sincerity in his smile, "I'm sorry, it's not a matter of opportunity. Perhaps we can be good friends, but I've never considered you as my woman. It's not that you're any less than the other women around me; it's just that I can't force myself to feel that way. So, I can't promise you anything."
"If that's the case, why did you risk your life in that building, facing so many people and bullets, to save me?" Cai Yan asked stubbornly.
Yang Chen shook his head. "I wasn't risking my life. I saved you because you're Ruoxi's friend and a good police officer. Those bullets, for me, weren't dangerous at all."
"You're lying to me. You must hate me, hate how badly I treated you before, right?" Cai Yan's voice trembled.
"I'm not lying to you, and I don't hate you either. I saved you, but it doesn't mean anything more than that. I've saved many people, and I've also taken lives. It's all just part of my job," Yang Chen said with some reluctance. "Actually, you deserve a better man. Someone like me, who can't be faithful, isn't worth your tears."
Cai Yan scoffed a few times, her laughter bitter and aimed at herself. "Looks like I've deluded myself. Go on, leave."
With that, Cai Yan picked up her chopsticks and resumed eating. Yang Chen didn't leave, frowning and watching Cai Yan with concern.
Cai Yan wiped away her tears, lifted her head, and flashed a bright smile. "Do you think I'm a teenage girl in her sweet sixteen? Just because a man rejected me, I'd go jump off a building or slit my wrists? Go away, I really dislike seeing you right now."
Yang Chen knew Cai Yan must be feeling intense hatred towards him at that moment. However, he couldn't find any words to console her. Rejecting someone's feelings was so difficult. Yang Chen couldn't imagine if it were a woman who loved him and whom he loved in return—could he still reject her?
With a heavy heart, Yang Chen stood up and left the restaurant. As his figure walked out the restaurant doors, Cai Yan set down her chopsticks, leaned back against the table, her delicate shoulders trembling, tears streaming down silently.