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Chapter 90 - REGRETS

"It doesn't end there, Beatrix." He said carefully, watching the expression on my face. His arms tightened around me, crushing me into the hard muscles of his chest until I could barely breathe. He was holding me possessively, fearing I would escape if I have the chance.

His breathing roughened, his heartbeat intensified. He was having difficulty saying the next words out of his mouth. I closed my eyes firmly, bracing myself for another wave of seething pain as the words finally sprung free, making me painfully aware of reality. "On the day of our fifth wedding anniversary, I asked for a divorce." His voice broke when he said the last words.

I thought I was fully prepared to face the painful truth…. I was wrong. Nothing could have prepared me for that news. The harsh truth sliced through me like a steel knife. Losing my daughter was impossibly unbearable and hearing the man I'm in love with say he ended our marriage of five years is unbelievably difficult to believe.

"Is there someone else that time, Ace?" I blurted out the words bravely and pushed him away until I sprung free from his tight hold. His pleading gaze locked through mine, he looked hesitant as if he feared the answer would hurt me more. But I doubt if there is something far more painful than hearing him say how I lost our first child. That's a kind of pain that leaves a scar for a lifetime.

"Yes," He admitted. The only choice he had was to tell the truth. No matter how difficult and heart-wrenching the truth is—we both must face it—it would set both of us free.

"Was it Angela?"

"Yes." He answered regretfully. His arms moved to touch my arms. When I flinched he didn't dare touch me again. Instead, his hands slowly fell to his side. His shoulders fell.

"Why, Ace? Am I not good enough?" I shot him a murderous glance that could have sliced him to pieces with their edge. I wish he was dead that very moment…. but then he was better alive. He would not be able to pay for his mistakes if he's but a cold, lifeless corpse.

"All I could think was to hurt you that time, the way you hurt me. I want you to feel how painful it is to be cheated. For me, I was only getting even."

"But I didn't cheat on you." I snapped, glared at him furiously.

"I didn't know the truth that time, I'm so sorry…." He swallowed a lump on his throat before he continued. It occurred to me I wasn't the only one suffering. He too was emotionally tortured as I am. "But that time I thought you cheated on me. I was too desperate to have my revenge to even think." He added. This time he looked away so I would not see the tears gleaming at the corners of his eyes but it's too late, I saw it already.

"How many times did you cheat, Ace? I want to hear the truth."

I took a retrieving step backward in fear he would reach for me again and wrapped my arms beneath my breast to warm me against the cold night breeze.

"I only cheated once, Beatrix. Believe it or not and it's with Angela. And that's the greatest mistake I ever made. Until now I'm paying the price. The women I brought to the house—I wasn't romantically involved with them—I only hire them to spite you by bringing them to my room. Once I made sure you retire to your bed, I sent them home. I feel so cheated that I didn't realize I'd been a fool."

"Fool? That's an understatement, Ace. You're a jerk, an asshole, a chauvinist pig, an evil villain, and a selfish moron." I said the words in a surprisingly calm manner. My emotions calmed down a bit and I'm calmer than I did a while ago.

"You forgot, a cheating bastard." He added when I fell silent.

I nodded my head. "Yeah, that too."

The silence grew thicker in the balcony. I shifted my gaze towards the pitch-black sky and noted that no stars were present tonight. Only the moon with its pale light adorned the sky and it wasn't enough to help lift my mood. The depressing atmosphere was making my mood worse.

I could feel the weight of his stare on my shoulders but I made no move to look back to where he stood. All I wanted was to cherish the momentary silence while slowly digesting the things he told me.

It came to me that life had been unfair to both of us or rather it was the people around us who'd been extremely unfair. I was too damn young when I met him and he was too damn mature that our marriage didn't work out. Just like some failed marriage, we drifted apart.

I could continue hating him forever but I doubt if it would do me any good. True, he did hurt me and shattered my heart into pieces but it all happened in the past now. I couldn't forgive him now…. but perhaps time would heal all the wounds and it will forge a path to forgiveness one day.

"Beatrix?" He called. When I didn't look back he moved closer, "Please look at me …." He whispered, it was so gently that it could melt even the hardest of stone with its caressing warmth.

His soft tone made me do what he just said. I shifted my gaze towards his direction. I found myself staring straight into a pair of exquisite blue eyes who seem to read right through my soul the way no one else could.

"I know you will never forgive me after the truth you heard tonight." His fingers brushed to my arms until they slither down to capture my hands. I was too startled to find my hands wrapped around his that I haven't thought to pull away. Too startled to even react.

Ace lowered his knees to the floor. A startled shriek escaped my lips when he carried my fingers and pressed it to his soft, warm lips. The gesture made the hairs on my nape stand on ends. My breathing was suspended.

"I never stopped loving you Phoenix…." He murmured. A tear slid down his cheeks. It took me a great amount of self-control not to fall into a heart-wrenching sob. "God knows I never stopped loving you even for a second. Until now I still do. I will continue to love you until my last breath. I know you don't feel a thing for me anymore. I understand that you hate me. I deserved it. But I just want to let you know that whatever happened in the past I regretted it all. It's too late to apologize but I think you deserve to know how remorseful I am. I'm so sorry for everything. I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you."

Ace's fingers tightened around mine as tears slowly drifted down the smoothness of his cheeks. I bit my lower lip and swallowed a lump in my throat while waiting for him to continue.

"I know that time will come and you will find the right guy for you," He smiled, but it barely reached his eyes. His lips even trembled a bit, "I will not stop you because I don't have the right to. Who am I to not allow you to be happy. And when that time comes I only have one wish for you. Please never take Faith Vienne away from me. It will kill me if you do. Please allow me more time to spend with her. She's the only one I've got now."

"Ace…."

"Please, I will do everything just don't take her away from me."

"I'm not going to take her away, Ace. Please take my word that I will allow you to be her father. Please don't fear I will never break my promise."

He abruptly rose from kneeling on the ground and pulled me into his arms. "Thank you." He murmured, kissing the top of my head.

Later that night when I tiptoed back to my room Faith Vienne was already asleep in her crib. Elisa had fallen asleep too. She was sprawled on the right side of the bed, a book she was reading was still on her chest. She must have fallen asleep while reading.

The chandelier hanging on the ceiling had been turned off. It was the pale light from the lampshade shade that illuminates the room. I kissed my daughter goodnight and gently climbed on the bed. I was thankful when Elisa didn't stir when I lay beside her.

I pulled the blanket closer to my chest and closed my eyes firmly. Minutes passed but sleep refused to come. I lay wide awake staring at the flawless white ceiling. I couldn't forget how Ace kneel in front of me while he pleaded that he could continue to be Faith Vienne's father.

I couldn't forget the pain and anguish glittering in his eyes. He indeed loves our daughter that much. I could feel it.

When he apologized, I felt his overflowing sincerity. The wall of ice I built around my heart melted as he pleaded, tears streamed down his cheeks. It was the first time I saw him cry up close. Until now the memory of him crying break my heart into a million pieces. In time when I am ready, I will learn how to forgive him for the things he did.

I wiped the tears that slither down my cheeks with my palms. I closed my eyes again. This time I actually fell asleep.